The end of a sorrowful Thanksgiving

A week ago I really felt bad for myself. But tonight I really feel sorry for my ex-bf. Tonight he went to his parents alone to have Thanksgiving dinner. He’ll come home alone just as I did. I know he’ll fill-up his schedule with dinners, movies, parties, and vacations with friends but won’t be able to look forward to doing those things with someone who is closer than a friend. For a year and a half he was able to be with someone who was more than just a friend or an acquaintance. He had someone who wanted nothing more than to be with him and make him happy. He had someone who was by his side and was happy to support him. For the first time in his 39 year life he was able to experience having a boyfriend and experiencing both the joys and the pains that come with it. Tonight I feel sorry that I have been the only person to see a side of him that no one else has seen and may never see. What’s even sadder is that he’ll never realize what he gave up until it’s gone. Maybe he’ll stumble on a picture or hear the song “Umbrella” and remember the past. Perhaps he’ll remember the nicknames, baked goods, or weird movie snacks. But he’ll never feel what he felt with me and although he can only think of bad feelings now I know someday he’ll realize that good and bad feelings together are still better than no feelings at all. A life without feelings is not really a life and for that I feel sorry for him.

For more than 2 weeks I’ve felt the pain of a broken heart and wouldn’t wish it on anyone. But tonight I am so glad that I can feel my heart even when it’s breaking. I know that my heart will break again in the future but that would never stop me from feeling. My heart could break from another boyfriend or it could break from a death in the family. But even though I don’t look forward to my heart breaking I’ll never want to shield my heart by not allowing others to get close to me. I’ve broken up with many guys before and I know I’ll have no problem falling in love again.

Tonight I am very thankful that I am healthy and happy. I must also thank my ex-bf for allowing someone into his family, friends, and more importantly his life. I can only imagine how hard it must have been to have someone wanting to be so close to you. Now you can rest easily.

Who Knows?

So this is my very first blog and I really just need to get some things off of my chest. Why are the guys who want to be trusted the most, the most unlikely to be untrustworthy? Why do these guys insist on you trusting them and become very offended if you don’t? Then when you finally feel like you can trust the guy, he immediately does something to betray that trust. I must be a magnet for guys who want to lie, cheat, deceive, and most of all sabotage a relationship. Perhaps I unconsciously see this quality early on and for some reason become attracted because of it. Maybe it’s an unresolved conflict or maybe it’s my way of sabotaging right from the beginning. Who knows.