Showing posts with label prose. Show all posts
Showing posts with label prose. Show all posts

Wednesday, October 24, 2007

My Room

I wrote this when I was 18. Because my parents did not intend on me living with them in their new home I was given an unfinished storage room in the basement. My roommates were a loud furnace and an even louder sump-pump. I actually learned to like the spiders because they always caught the flies and mosquitoes. But the best part was that my room was the furthest distance from my parents except when my mother did her laundry in the adjacent room. She would think nothing of yelling to wake-up my father while she was folding clothes. It never seemed to cross her mind that this would also wake me up who was just on the other side of an unfinished wall.




My Room

It’s a place full of light
Most of the time it’s very bright
There’s cement on two walls
And some paper that always falls
There’s even a pump on one side
A place where spiders like to hide
Then there are the windows two in all
But they are so very small
My clothes hang on a pipe
They don’t mind and never gripe
For all I see is nails and wood
Something only a match would find good
I had a mirror that stood high
But my mother wanted to see it fly
It broke when Aunt Grace came
And of course I was to blame
Now it stands all bent and broke
Even the room seems to soak
The radio is the best part
It’s my escape if only a start
So I’ll just stay in my room
And imagine a day without gloom

Home

It might go without saying that I have always struggled with religion and spirituality. I wrote this during one of those struggling moments.

Home
It's late at night. Sleeping are most except myself deep in thought. A longing to speak to God so near yet his home is so far away. I know I get closer by walk or crawl but the distance so minute hardly a fraction could describe. If I am on the 5th floor I am positive that I am closer to Heaven than the person on the bottom floor. But when we both look up the distance is the same. I comprehend my task and my life endeavor. It’s simply to walk home; home where I began where life begins and ends. Yet I know not the address, the street, or even the neighborhood. I can only tell by some signs on the road and a homemade compass that I am going in the right direction. But will I know I’m there? Will I see it on the horizon or will I miss a turn? Will someone be there to welcome me and grant me rest from my long travel? Why these questions seem so loud in my head I’ll never know until I’m home.

Tuesday, October 23, 2007

Loosing Sidewalks

It’s a warm summer day in Watervliet. My mother pushes my sister in the carriage with one hand and holds my jacket hood with the other. Although I’m only six, my mother knows that as soon as I see Harrison’s Dry Cleaner I’ll take off and run down the sidewalk. We walk up 6th Avenue and turn right onto 19th Street. My mother’s grip loosens now that we’re on the same block as my grandparents’ dry cleaning business. As we pass the pharmacy, I remind my mother that she promised to buy me a fudge-sickle as soon as we got to Nudding’s—the corner store on 19th Street. As the fudge-sickle drips over my hand, I run into the Dry Cleaners and surprise my grandmother and Aunt El who are working at the counter. I stay long enough until my mother catches up then I run to the back of the cleaners to see my grandfather and Uncle Tom. It’s amazing how sometimes you can remember every crack in the sidewalk.
Watervliet New York is a small arsenal town in Upstate New York and is where I grew up. It was a town where your last name meant everything; but because my father was not originally from Watervliet, I often had to give my mothers maiden name in order to avoid the puzzled look of non-familiarity. Watervliet was a place were kids came home when the street lights turned on; a place where your mother would call you for dinner from the backdoor; and a place where every piece of the sidewalk was full of memories. As a young child, the sidewalk was my playground. I learned how to walk, run, ride my Big-Wheels, and eventually learned how to ride a bicycle on the same stretch of worn-down, cracked, and beaten-up pieces of cement squares. More than likely, my DNA can still be found on every crack and crevice from the countless spills of my youth. The sidewalk was a safe place, where my parents knew that someone would be looking out for me. Everyone on the block knew me; they knew how accident prone and hyperactive I was; they knew I was allergic to bees and even knew the subtle differences in my voice if I was in trouble. Then when I was 14, my parents moved to North Greenbush, or as my friends called it: “the boonies.”
Living in a rural area without sidewalks, I never seemed to miss the sidewalks of Watervliet. When my parents moved, they gained space, peace and quite, and more importantly to them, they gained privacy: No more door-to-door salesmen, nosy neighbors, Mrs. Penny-Feather calling because she doesn’t want me playing on her stoop or Mrs. Palmer calling to have me go to the store for her. But there was something different about our new home without a sidewalk.
I know I’ve heard this saying many times: “Sidewalks have a life of their own.” There is something about sidewalks that has an energy force, a certain vibration or rhythm. But like a certain genre of music, there are people who love it, people who hate it, and people who don’t really know what it is. Then there are people like me who are all of the above; I love it, hate it, and still don’t know what it is. Jane Jacobs is another person who seems to have a love-hate relationship with city sidewalks. Even after reading about sidewalks in her book “The Death and Life of Great American Cities,” I felt as though Jacobs could have written an entire book on the stories about and relationships with sidewalks, and still not completely understand what sidewalks represent.
Jane Jacobs would be very frustrated with my parents if she were to discuss the positive aspects of sidewalks in urban neighborhoods because they wouldn’t get it. Jacobs presents an almost “Leave it to beaver” setting on the Upper East Side of Manhattan, where you could leave a key to your apartment with Joe Cornacchia, “who keeps the delicatessen” (78). Jacobs further explains that she’d leave the key with the store keeper “because we trust him” (78). Of course my parents would be quick to say “you don’t trust Joe, you just know that he doesn’t have your actual address, therefore the key is useless to him.” Then my parents would notice the year that Jacobs wrote about her neighborhood and would say that times have changed because people have changed. Although Jacobs made a great argument for sidewalk interactions, there must be a reason why people left this style of cohabitating and chose an alternative style. In order to understand why development shifted from neighborhoods with sidewalks to suburbs without them, we need to see what changed in America. This is where Jacobs might need a little help in showing her point of view about sidewalks and understanding what happened to sidewalks.
Jacobs could not deny that city sidewalks were not always as idyllic as her neighborhood in the 60’s. There were reasons why people left their neighborhoods in the city for a house in the country. In James Howard Kunstler’s book entitled “The Geography of Nowhere: The rise and decline of America’s man-made landscapes,” he shows that the decline in sidewalks began after World War II. The economy was booming and the focus of the nation shifted from war to “American consumerism” (77). Jacobs’ endearing view of city sidewalks was absent in the futuristic vision of modern living. As industry and technology exploded, overcrowded cities became the “industrial slums” for factory workers (60). The exciting new devices of modernism promised to free the “working slave” by improving his life. But the free industry workers needed a better place to live, while still working in the city; therefore a new design was needed to enable city workers to live outside of the city. And so the search began for an affordable way to commute.
One of the most popular inventions to improve the standard of living was the affordable automobile. Although Henry Ford did not invent the car, he was able to cheaply produce motorcars for the general population, not just for the wealthy elites. The U.S. government got financially involved by subsidizing auto use and improving roads. At the same time, streetcar companies received almost nothing from the government while car companies conspired to put them out of business. General Motors bought up street car line companies and removed the tracks. The working class American was encouraged to buy a car and leave the overcrowded and dirty cities and move to the country, where sidewalks were not needed. After World War II, Americans were obsessed with futuristic private transportation (the automobile) and an “old romantic idea” of bringing man closer to nature (Kunstler79). A minimalist style building called the “Bauhaus,” would sit in the middle of a park. Of course no one conceived the idea that the surrounding park would need to be paved over for a parking lot; but the buildings still remain. In the 30’s, 40’s, and 50’s homes were designed to include the automobile as a member of the family, attaching a garage to the overall design of the house. Businesses, catering to car owners, became a symbol of modernization and pop-culture. Drive-in theaters and restaurants allowed you to stay in your car while the service came to you. From the end of World War II right up to today, the car represented freedom and independence; Americans freely gave up sidewalks of the city for paved streets, freeways, and superhighways of the suburbs; but as Kunstler and Jacobs point out, Americans are loosing a vehicle of human interaction.
Jacobs explains that there is a unique balance in a city between a person’s necessary privacy and his or her desire for varying levels of interaction from other people (77). But as Kunstler mentions the automobile suburbs, without sidewalks, were the “motive force” in the “elimination of the public realm” where social interactions occur (Kunstler 189).
For the most part, the public realm of suburbia is composed of streets and highways. By separating and scattering businesses that would be found within a ten-minute walk in the city, suburbanites must spend most of their time alone in their cars (Kunstler 119). The balance that Jacobs speaks about is virtually absent in the suburban setting. Kunstler points out this unbalance by describing how some shoppers in a supermarket will linger just to have some purposeful activity with other living humans (119). Social interactions that my parents complained about in Watervliet, now is strongly desired by them and many other Americans.
Social interaction, which is taken for granted on the city sidewalks, has become highly desired in the auto suburbs. One example of this hunger for the “public realm” is the popularity of malls, which commercialized on the new demand for social interactions. This public need was also capitalized by the Walt Disney Corporation. Kunstler called Disney World one of the “capitals of unreality” because of its ability to cash in on the relationships that occurred on Main Street U.S.A. (217). In Disney World, sidewalks, streets, building facades, cart venders, and even the seamlessly pressed employees are forced to come together and intermingle. There is a shared feeling of joy and anticipation as the hordes of visitors contemplate which direction should be next on the agenda. In the 1980’s the Disney Corporation decided to expand the “it’s a small world” theme to an actual living environment.
In Julia Duin’s article in the Washington Times entitled “Social Engineering is by Design in Florida town Disney Built: Community Intricately planned to spur Interaction”, she describes how Celebration, Florida is a perfect example of everything that people want but is missing in other post-World War II suburbs. The town has been compared to Levittown, Pleasantville, a Norman Rockwell painting, and a John Winthrop’s “city on a hill” (1). The Disney Corp. ensured that every detail in the planning and construction of Celebration centered on “community interaction”; there are no privacy walls or thick obtrusive shrubs; porches and sidewalks are in close proximity to encourage a sense of “togetherness” (3). But as Duin mentions in her article, there are some downsides to living in a “prepackaged” neighborhood.
Although Celebration, FL has recaptured some of the pre-World War II concepts of “neighborliness”, some residents complain about the same issues that my parents faced in Watervliet. As Jacobs mentioned, there has to be a balance between public and private life. Unfortunately in Celebration, the neighbors are always “in your Hair” (Jacobs 73). There is not a subtle assumption of neighborly support; it is blatant, demanded, and enforced. Disney actually has “porch police” to ensure that the residents of Celebration follow the guidelines of their contract; they must have the correct window treatments, hedges can not be taller than 42 inches, and landscaping must allow passersby to see in. After reading Duin’s article I felt like Walt Disney took Jacobs’ and Kunstler’s predilections to the extreme. But Celebration is not the only example of an extreme form of community.
There seems to be a growing trend in America to create that feeling of togetherness found on many urban neighborhood sidewalks; however, there is also a growing fear of public safety. One possible solution has been “gated communities.” As Dell Champlin explains in her article in the Journal of Economic Issues entitled “The Privatization of community: Implications for Urban Policy”, “privatized neighborhoods try to enhance individual social involvement while also providing additional public safety (1). But like so many other “projects,” there is always a price to be paid for any reward. There is a great debate on the benefits and short-comings of Privatization; but no one would argue that “gated communities” are the responses to the need for safe social contact. This desire to interact with others brings me back to my parents in Upstate New York.
My parents would never consider taking a walk or a bike ride on their street. If you asked them to describe their neighbors in any way, they would only be able to mention the next door neighbor on the right side of their property. They have never met the family living on the left side of their property even though that family moved in around seven years ago. And the neighbors across the street, “well they’re just weird.” There seems to be an unwritten suburban rule: “We don’t bother them, they don’t bother us; we like everyone to keep to themselves.” Sidewalks (or the lack there of) seems to support this unwritten rule. It’s easy to keep to yourselves if you do not have a way to bother your neighbors. Privacy becomes a popular side effect when a sidewalk is removed.
The issues of public vs. private do not just pertain to how we view sidewalks; instead we use sidewalks to view ourselves. Sidewalks become instrumental in establishing a quality of life.
A sidewalk can be thought of as a welcome mat, encouraging others to come and socialize with the residents. If you remove this symbol of social interaction you remove more than just concrete or slate; you restrict an innate desire to be with others as one of many. Perhaps we need to look much further than sidewalks to find an answer to our problems of anti-social forms of living; but it’s a damn good place to start.

The Lens of “Arbitrage”

In Andre Aciman’s essay “Arbitrage”, one’s ability to use cognitive perception as a lens plays an important role in how one observes objects and places. When one views a cup of tea, his or her perception of that cup could be very different than another person’s perception of that very same cup. The first person to view the cup might only perceive the cup to be a container for holding tea. While the second person, perceives the cup to be not only a container for tea but also as a tool for viewing memories. One could then argue that the cup becomes the lens. Are the lenses of “Arbitrage” the objects and places or is the lens cognitive perception?
The lens of a camera or microscope allows a person to see things differently and is the most valuable part. The objects and places of “Arbitrage” used as lenses have an exchange value. Aciman defines “Arbitrage” as the exchange of place and time. While pouring tea into the cup, Aciman exchanged his focus of the cup for the memory of his childhood tutors. The Cambridge windowpanes were used in exchange for the memory of Alexandria. But recalling the memory of Alexandria was needed in order for this particular lens to work. Wordsorth’s “Tintern Abbey” helps to clarify the function of the lens in “Arbitrage”. “To use focus A you need to establish focus B, but to establish focus B you need A.” Focus A could be wool trousers and focus B could be the cognitive perception or memory of wool trousers. Focus A and B serve as intricate parts of the lens. However, this lens is not to better view the real world but rather to view memories and imaginations.

The Gardner and the Seed

As a mentor, teacher, or professor, you might believe that your actions are small and insignificant. You could feel as though your dedication, devotion, motivation, and inspiration provide very little support in the total education of a student. But in reality, your actions are as important as water is to a plant.
You are a gardener. You provide nourishment of knowledge and understanding. You remove weeds that would stunt our growth. You balance sun and shade to maximize our potential. A gardener also provides small and insignificant things. Water and sun are free and plentiful. Only labor is required for weed pulling. Balancing sun and shade comes from experience. But what would we be with out these things?
We are only seeds. We are small genetic capsules of potential. Our stored energy is found deep within our shell. However, most of this energy is used to break that shell. The remaining energy is used to reach out. It is at this point when the seed would strive and thrive or lie and die. It is at this point, when you are not merely a worker; you are the gardener.
Only the gardener can place the seed in the perfect soil. Only the gardener can make the seed germinate. Only the gardener can ensure the sun will be there when the seed reaches for it. Only the gardener can help the seed to grow and blossom. Only the gardener can help the seed to share its fruit and produce more seeds. Only the gardener can teach a seed how to give shade to those seeds that are struggling, burned out, or scorched. Only a gardener can turn a seed into a tree. You are only a gardener. You only provide these small and insignificant things. Your small actions will continue to go unnoticed and unappreciated by many who were once only seeds. But should you feel melancholy about being only a gardener, go to Central Park and sit under a tree. Try to imagine how many people love that tree on a hot summer day. Look in the branches and you’ll find other creatures that love that tree as well. All of this originated from a simple gardener and a simple seed. Both may be forgotten, but their energy lives on. You are our gardener and we are your seeds.

I am Ashamed to be Catholic

This emotion first came to me when I was about 10. My mother considered herself to be a “devout” catholic which meant (in her eyes) someone who went to church every Sunday. That was it. As long as you went to church in nice clothes every week and behaved yourself during mass people would know you were a good Catholic. So every Sunday everyone except my father (who was Protestant) was forced to get out of bed early, put on “nice” clothes and go to church. For my sisters and me this meant sitting for an hour, daydreaming and looking at other people in church. All of us knew when to sit, stand, and kneel at the right time. We even knew the prayers said by everyone in church. But all of this meant absolutely nothing to any of us including my mother. We acted like robots. We didn’t listen to what was being preached and we definitely did not think about why we were there. But one Sunday I actually became aware of just how unconscious my family was in church. I looked at my mother during the Homily (adlib for the priest) and noticed her typical glazed-over look. She was in her own world and never heard a thing. The priest could have been talking about pedophilia for all she knew. All that she was concerned about was how she was perceived by other parishioners. According to her “you have to look nice, don’t be late, sit quietly, and take a quarter from her to put in the basket when it comes around.” God forbid if you forget to bring any money with you to church. That would be the worst thing anyone could do in church besides wearing jeans with holes in them, shorts, sneakers, or anything that shows cleavage. Although my mother zoned out for the entire mass she could always find something or someone to talk about. “Did you see so-and-so? She looked like shit. I can’t believe she wore that blouse. You could see everything.”

Saturday, October 20, 2007

Give me Peace

This is a note I wrote to God. I know it's silly but I really wanted to piss him off:

Here I am
Back where I started
All alone
Once again broken hearted

All I see
Is misery
And emptiness
From everything I’ve started

Tell me why
Do you insist on hurting me
Tell me why
Do I deserve this agony

What have I done
Can I fix it
Can I make it right
If not then just end it

Take my life
Take my heart
And my soul
And give me a brand new start

I just want peace
Just give me peace
I know you can hear me
And I know you’re right beside me

Give me peace
What are you waiting for
Give me peace
I promise I won’t ask for more
Give me peace

So let’s be honest
Are you still mad at me
I said I’m sorry
And I promised I’d never do it again

But why do you keep pushing me
Why do you keep punishing me

Stop the Hurt

This is what I wrote when I sensed there was something going on with a former boyfriend. After a call from my brother who read this I realized that someone might get an idea that I'm one step away from ending it all. But nothing could be further from the truth. I am sharing my darkest moments in the hopes that someone else could connect and realize that they are not alone and that they are never alone regardless of how pathetic they may seem. Although I am talking about hurting myself, this is in the form of self-persecution where I am my biggest enemy. But thanks D for being concerned.


Stop the Hurt

I can’t want someone this much. I feel so out of control. I feel as though I know he can’t truly love me. He’s lying about his feelings. He’s just waiting to hurt me, waiting for the right moment when I am in need of his love and affection. He’ll wait until I start planning a future and looking forward to building something together and then he’ll say he made a mistake. He’ll say he doesn’t really love me. I can’t wait for that to happen. I am not going to let anyone hurt me like that.

Sabotage, sabotage, sabotage

Call Chris. Go online. Find someone else. Pretend that I am not interested in him anymore. Don’t call him. Don’t return his emails. Let him see that I am fine without him. Let him realize that I can be without him. I don’t need him. I don’t need anyone. No one is going to hurt me again.

So what do I do? Do I tell him what is going on inside my head and risks losing him? Do I distance myself from him so that I don’t feel so threatened? I can’t just sit here with these feelings. I feel like I’m dieing. I see myself as this pathetic psychopath wanting to run as far away as possible. I want to go somewhere where no one knows me. I could be anyone and have no past, no pain, no problems, and no plan.

Why do I hate myself so much? Why do I think I am the lowest person on earth? Why do I want to always beat myself up? How could I expect anyone to love me if I can’t even love myself? This is why no one can get close to me. This is why no one can know who I really am. This is why I want to run as soon as someone gets a little to close. This is why no one could really love me. They all fall in love with someone pretending to not be a loser. If I stop pretending then I just become an honest loser. I lose either way.

I can’t keep hurting this much. I just want all of this pain to go away. Why should love hurt so much? Why does my heart break as soon as I fall for someone? I never get a chance to enjoy love. I only prepare myself for getting hurt. Now I’m hurting more than ever all because of falling in love.

I just want to stop hurting. I am so sick of pain; pain in my back, pain in my heart and pain in my life. I know that the only one hurting me right now is me. But this only gives me more reasons to hate myself and hurt myself more.

Who Knows?

So this is my very first blog and I really just need to get some things off of my chest. Why are the guys who want to be trusted the most, the most unlikely to be untrustworthy? Why do these guys insist on you trusting them and become very offended if you don’t? Then when you finally feel like you can trust the guy, he immediately does something to betray that trust. I must be a magnet for guys who want to lie, cheat, deceive, and most of all sabotage a relationship. Perhaps I unconsciously see this quality early on and for some reason become attracted because of it. Maybe it’s an unresolved conflict or maybe it’s my way of sabotaging right from the beginning. Who knows.