A week ago I really felt bad for myself. But tonight I really feel sorry for my ex-bf. Tonight he went to his parents alone to have Thanksgiving dinner. He’ll come home alone just as I did. I know he’ll fill-up his schedule with dinners, movies, parties, and vacations with friends but won’t be able to look forward to doing those things with someone who is closer than a friend. For a year and a half he was able to be with someone who was more than just a friend or an acquaintance. He had someone who wanted nothing more than to be with him and make him happy. He had someone who was by his side and was happy to support him. For the first time in his 39 year life he was able to experience having a boyfriend and experiencing both the joys and the pains that come with it. Tonight I feel sorry that I have been the only person to see a side of him that no one else has seen and may never see. What’s even sadder is that he’ll never realize what he gave up until it’s gone. Maybe he’ll stumble on a picture or hear the song “Umbrella” and remember the past. Perhaps he’ll remember the nicknames, baked goods, or weird movie snacks. But he’ll never feel what he felt with me and although he can only think of bad feelings now I know someday he’ll realize that good and bad feelings together are still better than no feelings at all. A life without feelings is not really a life and for that I feel sorry for him.
For more than 2 weeks I’ve felt the pain of a broken heart and wouldn’t wish it on anyone. But tonight I am so glad that I can feel my heart even when it’s breaking. I know that my heart will break again in the future but that would never stop me from feeling. My heart could break from another boyfriend or it could break from a death in the family. But even though I don’t look forward to my heart breaking I’ll never want to shield my heart by not allowing others to get close to me. I’ve broken up with many guys before and I know I’ll have no problem falling in love again.
Tonight I am very thankful that I am healthy and happy. I must also thank my ex-bf for allowing someone into his family, friends, and more importantly his life. I can only imagine how hard it must have been to have someone wanting to be so close to you. Now you can rest easily.
Thursday, November 27, 2008
Friday, November 21, 2008
Goodbye Tinman
The Last Tin man
How many times am I going to date guys who are unable to get close? What is it that I do to attract these people in the first place? Is it that I see something in them that no one else has seen or is it that I am just so desperate to have a close relationship that I ignore the most obvious signs? For a year and a half I dated someone who I should have dated for a day and a half. Why didn’t I realize that someone who never had a close relationship with anyone including his family would ever be able to have one with me? His friends are the most important part of his life but he doesn’t let them get too close either. But at least he’s relieved of the pressure from me to get close. He’s relieved of forcing something that he is incapable of doing. I do hope he’s lucky enough to meet someone who will love him as a person and not want closeness or intimacy. I hope he will be able to open up to someone and they stay with him. I know there is a big heart inside his chest that yearns for a touch of another; unfortunately he will never let it happen because he’s too afraid of opening up. I want him to prove me wrong someday. Show me that he’s not still living in his parents’ efficiency apartment with walls and shelves stocked full of super hero figures and boxes of comic books. Please don’t let him turn into a hoarder and distances him even further from reality, family, and friends. I hope someday he’ll realize that the people and places that were the hardest to deal with are actually what make him a better person.
Someday he’ll want to grow up and want to share his life’s accomplishments with someone who is more than a friend; I hope he finds it.
As my heart has been breaking slowly for months and I feel nothing but pain when I think of our relationship, But this I only blame on myself for falling in love with a fantasy of a close relationship. In the process I fell in love with someone who doesn’t know what love is. Tonight I heard the words that I need to hear “I am not in love with you”. Now I can let him go and I know I am now free. I know that my heart will be stronger and I will be able to love even more the next time. I will never stop loving. Goodbye Tin man I hope you find your heart before you rust.
How many times am I going to date guys who are unable to get close? What is it that I do to attract these people in the first place? Is it that I see something in them that no one else has seen or is it that I am just so desperate to have a close relationship that I ignore the most obvious signs? For a year and a half I dated someone who I should have dated for a day and a half. Why didn’t I realize that someone who never had a close relationship with anyone including his family would ever be able to have one with me? His friends are the most important part of his life but he doesn’t let them get too close either. But at least he’s relieved of the pressure from me to get close. He’s relieved of forcing something that he is incapable of doing. I do hope he’s lucky enough to meet someone who will love him as a person and not want closeness or intimacy. I hope he will be able to open up to someone and they stay with him. I know there is a big heart inside his chest that yearns for a touch of another; unfortunately he will never let it happen because he’s too afraid of opening up. I want him to prove me wrong someday. Show me that he’s not still living in his parents’ efficiency apartment with walls and shelves stocked full of super hero figures and boxes of comic books. Please don’t let him turn into a hoarder and distances him even further from reality, family, and friends. I hope someday he’ll realize that the people and places that were the hardest to deal with are actually what make him a better person.
Someday he’ll want to grow up and want to share his life’s accomplishments with someone who is more than a friend; I hope he finds it.
As my heart has been breaking slowly for months and I feel nothing but pain when I think of our relationship, But this I only blame on myself for falling in love with a fantasy of a close relationship. In the process I fell in love with someone who doesn’t know what love is. Tonight I heard the words that I need to hear “I am not in love with you”. Now I can let him go and I know I am now free. I know that my heart will be stronger and I will be able to love even more the next time. I will never stop loving. Goodbye Tin man I hope you find your heart before you rust.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)