Stop the Hurt

This is what I wrote when I sensed there was something going on with a former boyfriend. After a call from my brother who read this I realized that someone might get an idea that I'm one step away from ending it all. But nothing could be further from the truth. I am sharing my darkest moments in the hopes that someone else could connect and realize that they are not alone and that they are never alone regardless of how pathetic they may seem. Although I am talking about hurting myself, this is in the form of self-persecution where I am my biggest enemy. But thanks D for being concerned.

Stop the Hurt

I can’t want someone this much. I feel so out of control. I feel as though I know he can’t truly love me. He’s lying about his feelings. He’s just waiting to hurt me, waiting for the right moment when I am in need of his love and affection. He’ll wait until I start planning a future and looking forward to building something together and then he’ll say he made a mistake. He’ll say he doesn’t really love me. I can’t wait for that to happen. I am not going to let anyone hurt me like that.

Sabotage, sabotage, sabotage

Call Chris. Go online. Find someone else. Pretend that I am not interested in him anymore. Don’t call him. Don’t return his emails. Let him see that I am fine without him. Let him realize that I can be without him. I don’t need him. I don’t need anyone. No one is going to hurt me again.

So what do I do? Do I tell him what is going on inside my head and risks losing him? Do I distance myself from him so that I don’t feel so threatened? I can’t just sit here with these feelings. I feel like I’m dieing. I see myself as this pathetic psychopath wanting to run as far away as possible. I want to go somewhere where no one knows me. I could be anyone and have no past, no pain, no problems, and no plan.

Why do I hate myself so much? Why do I think I am the lowest person on earth? Why do I want to always beat myself up? How could I expect anyone to love me if I can’t even love myself? This is why no one can get close to me. This is why no one can know who I really am. This is why I want to run as soon as someone gets a little to close. This is why no one could really love me. They all fall in love with someone pretending to not be a loser. If I stop pretending then I just become an honest loser. I lose either way.

I can’t keep hurting this much. I just want all of this pain to go away. Why should love hurt so much? Why does my heart break as soon as I fall for someone? I never get a chance to enjoy love. I only prepare myself for getting hurt. Now I’m hurting more than ever all because of falling in love.

I just want to stop hurting. I am so sick of pain; pain in my back, pain in my heart and pain in my life. I know that the only one hurting me right now is me. But this only gives me more reasons to hate myself and hurt myself more.